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YaPhoenix's Translyrics ^_*

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YaPhoenix's Translyrics ^_*

Post by YaPhoenix on Wed Aug 13, 2014 12:41 am

So far, I have done lyrics for:
Roaring Tides/ Shionari (Clannad OST):
The roaring of the tides
The roaring of the tides brings memories
Of you, when you were here--
The roaring of the tides
Marked traces of them ebbing on the shore
(Our footprints swept away)
The roaring of the tides
The roaring of the tides echoes my dreams
Of standing side by side
The roaring of the tides
A funereal melody is sung

The roaring of the tides
(I will always be with you so do not cry)
The roaring of the tides tortures my mind
(When I’m gone your life keeps on moving on)
I hear
Your distant voice
The roaring of the tides
(You future holds far brighter jewels so do not grieve)
How can I feel joy now that you are gone?
Sadness swells with
The roaring of the tides
(Rest your memory, rest your memory, it is suffering)
Has stolen you from me so I can’t see
The light we once shared
(My torch is glowing with these thoughts)
This cruel twist of fate has wrenched my love
(Forever)
I wish we could be together
Growing Love, our precious love
But then one day
Fate snatched you from me
I reached, crying
For you back
But God was cruel
He never granted just this one wish
Just this one wish
I desired
So desperately
Falling to the ground I pled
And dug my fingers in the sand
Like dust it fell right through my hands
God please, oh please revive my love
My angel who is so benevolent
Why would you steal--?
Why would you steal
Happiness from earthy beings
Frail and so helpless with but loving hearts?

Roaring of the tides
The roaring of the tides is mocking me
My silent, crippling fear--
The roaring of the tides
The roaring of the tides howls ceaselessly…

I'm not very confident about my singing yet but here is how the syllables should match up ^_*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kP0QMEFAEzs

Place Where Wishes Come True:

There’s a place
where wishes will be granted someday
I swear that it’s true
They have not gone to waste
There’s a time
when our dreams will flourish for sure
I know, I know it’s true
So please believe in me
When you feel like you’ve lost all
Seeds of grief shall sprout brand, new hope
There’s a place
where you will find your candle of joy
Just wait, for an hour
When life seems so dark
There’s a time
when we’ll dance through the golden wheat fields
Recall, recall the air
Of joy you felt before
Right now you are blinded by grief
You forget that I’m still with you
There’s a place
where wishes will be granted someday.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDoAmvzgdys


Last edited by YaPhoenix on Sat Aug 16, 2014 12:40 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Adding lyrics)
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Re: YaPhoenix's Translyrics ^_*

Post by sonic-nancy-fan on Sat Nov 01, 2014 2:42 pm

I listened to both of your covers and your voice sounds nice, the mixing just needs a little bit of work. Whenever two voices come into play at the same time, make the backup voice quitter than the main voice. Also, make sure that the end of a line does not have an odd noise at the end like a cut off noise. I believe I heard one somewhere in Roaring Tides.
 
As for the actual lyrics, they are fine except they have some typos and the format is somewhat unappealing
Ex of typos: (You future holds far brighter jewels so do not grieve)
-Should be ‘your’
 
EX of parts that sound odd to me: (When I’m gone your life keeps on moving on)
-Saying ‘keeps on moving on’ sound awkward to me
 
EX of parts that sound odd to me:  This cruel twist of fate has wrenched my love
-‘wrenched’ is not really uses improperly, but the word is rarely used. I had to look up the definition of the word just to make sure I knew what you meant
 
EX of both:  I reached, crying
For you back
-That sounds really awkward due to the typo, it should be ‘your’ or changed entirely
 
Run your lyrics through a spelling checker or just check the spelling yourself before you post them. Also, consider how the lyrics will be said. Will the line sound awkward when sung? When you think about the lyrics from a singing stand point, you may have to change the lyrics regardless of if they have spelling errors.
 
Now, as for the formatting of your lyrics, I have one complaint. You never use paragraphs. I would suggest adding paragraphs.
EX of line by line with paragraphs:
I want to eat tuna
I want to eat tuna
Splashing, splashing, I want some fresh tuna now
 
There are many places with good tuna to
Yaizu, Misaki, and Sakai to name a few
But I, but I, really recommend just one particular spot
Ooma’s where good fish can be caught
 
I am just assuming that this is the song Place Where Wishes Come True that you wrote lyrics for: http://www.animelyrics.com/game/clannad/negaigakanaubasho.htm
If so…your lyrics seem to not really match the translation of the song. Your lyrics follow the basic meaning but not really the individual parts.
EX:
There’s a place
where wishes will be granted someday
I swear that it’s true
They have not gone to waste
There’s a time
when our dreams will flourish for sure
-I probably will not get the spacing right since you did a shorter version of the song I believe, but that sounds almost nothing like:
And so I forgot yet another thing
Springs mornings where flowers blew around
The sky as seen through a broken prism
Just wanting to touch them, just wanting to wish for them
 
So, assuming that is the same song, maybe you should try working on getting more of the literal words of the song into your lyrics instead of just the same general theme.
 
Also, it would be helpful if you could include a link to the original song with your lyrics.

One final recommendation, a lot of English trans-lyrics rhyme. You do not have to as rhyming takes a lot more time and your lyrics have a sort of calming way of wording that I enjoy. Your voice has a calming effect as well that matches the songs you have written lyrics for. I think you could easily go far without rhyming at all~


Last edited by Aerlith on Mon Nov 24, 2014 8:11 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : +3 for an in-depth critique, +2 on intermediate feedback.)
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