Being tired + Bad Apple on repeat = This.

Yeah, I was really bored last night because I couldn't sleep, and boredom, as we all know, does lead to... Things 8D
Anyway, I started playing 'osu!', namely the beatmap 'Bad Apple!!!'... And suddenly this thing goes into my head. It's poorly written, I know, but since this is another night where I am bored as well and my sense of proper vocabulary, grammar and spelling is not as good as it should be... So, I think I should wait to edit this until I am bored and NOT TIRED. meanwhile, I'll post it here to get some feedback. I usually suck at writing shorts, I am more the 'writing-a-shitload-of-pages'-person(Exactly why I am currently working on a novel XD;; ) so I would really appreciate some feedback pre-edit stage on what I can improve on XD Anyway... *Deep breath* Here we go!

Bad Apple

My head’s spinning… Spinning, spinning. Why’s it spinning?

My existence crumbled all around me. Left was just this world, it contained you, me, and the two contrasts: Black and white.
I could see you in the distance, so, so lonely. You just stood there, looking at something. You weren’t looking at me, yet I felt you gaze on my person.

But you wouldn’t look at something like me, would you?

I still felt drawn to you. Still. I had to come and comfort you, somehow… But I just could not…

My legs…

My legs were frozen into what wasn’t even ground anymore. I was floating around, in this world of pure white and the black which was slowly, but surely, eating away at the white. Was I the one causing it? Was it because I was bad? Wrong? Not right?
I tried to call out to you, but I didn’t seem to reach anything, much less you, my world. You. These words of mine, precious words of mine, they reached nothing. They reached the blackness I was the cause of. Darkness. Nothingness. Dear child have many names.
Did I still exist? Was all this a dream, a nightmare? Would I wake up every second, finding myself in the safety of my home? Would I? Or was my already meaningless existence turning into black, nothingness, right before my own eyes? If so, will my existence ever gain a meaning? A purpose? A life of its own?

But I’m tired, tired, tired…

Tired of what? Living, surely? No, not living. Something else. I was powerless. Useless. Knowledgeless. My heart had somehow left me and I had not noticed at the time. I did not dare feel at my chest, what if it really wasn’t there? Would I then have walked around without a heart, without a soul of my own? Was that why I couldn’t reach you?
You were still there. Just looking at something. I dared to look at you again now, having gained the courage to. You spoke, you were definitely speaking.
To thin air, air which should have been me.

This feeling deep inside my chest, where my heart should have been… Was I in pain? What is pain? I felt… Lost. I had lost the ability to know. I’m me. Me, no more than me. But ‘me’ is not enough. The blackness coming from me, the nothingness which tore evilly at the pure white. At everything. I wanted to run so badly, but I was forced to continue to stand, no, just exist, being its audience with you, even though you still didn’t know what was happening.
You were my life, my idol, my everything. The white in me. Without you I would turn black, I just knew. Without you, could someone even as useless as me be useful? Could someone like me change, join the white that was you instead of opposing it?

Memories of you flew through my escaping heart. Just memories of you, not memories of you and me. My heart saw you eat an ice-cream like a pro, it saw you turn around a wave with a smile on your face, and it saw all of your wonderful, pure sides. It had forgotten all that made you a human, made you into an angel. I saw its anguish, its frustration. But that heart wasn’t me. It was born from me, but it didn’t have my identity. It carried all that made me the person you’d spend your time with. It carried it away from me, because that wasn’t me anymore. It listened to your words, those brilliant words I stumbled over when I tried to say them, but it only took them and carried them further away from me, because those words weren’t meant for me. I wasn’t worth those words. All I was ever good for was falling, or floating, around in this vast, black and white space, only wishing you could follow me.
If I can open my heavy eyelids, if I break everything, then turn black for me

I’m a Bad Apple.
I don’t dare move anymore.
If I move, the nothingness will steal you away from me.
If all I do is to grieve, then there’s the chance that I’ll become just as white as you.
I know nothing about anything, I am a ‘good-for-nothing’-person. Nothing else.
I don’t even know myself, but


“I love you”