Shadow's Lyrics (Such originality)

by xXxLoneShadowxXx Sun Apr 05, 2015 10:19 am

Hello~ Welcome to "Shadow's Lyrics"
Just so you know, I'm no expert at writing translyrics. But I still write them anyway~ I want to believe I'm decent haha. Anyways! I hope you like 'em cause I really worked hard at them. I haven't sang some of them but hey~

If you wanna use them, go ahead! Just credit me and tell me~ Would love to hear it get sang by other people :D

Hatsune Miku (Hoehoe P) - Depression of a Young Literati ENGLISH:

Girls' Generation (Japanese Ver.) Mr Taxi ENGLISH:

Your Lie In April (7!!) - Orange English:

Hatsune Miku (Baika P) - I Think Back to Good Bye English:

Hatsune Miku (Faye P) - The Love-Struck Kitten Wont Be Discouraged English:

Naruto (Ikimono Gakari) - Sakura English (not really sure how I feel about this one):

Aldnoah.Zero - aLIEz English ( I basically butchered this haha ):

Hatsune Miku (scop) - Crier Tagalog ( I tried ):

Liezel Garcia - Gisingin ang Puso English :

Sweet ARMS - Date A Live English:

Date A Live (Sweet ARMS) - Trust in You English:

Hatsune Miku (Koyori P) - Lap Tap Love English (By me and Zoe Li~ ):

Flowr (Honeyworks) - Inokori Sensei English (By me and Ginger~):

Hatsune Miku (40mp) - Renai Saiban English:

Vocaloid ALLSTARS (Oster Project) - Alice In Musicland ENGLISH:

Joker's Trans-lyrics Youtube · by **sonic-nancy-fan** Wed Apr 08, 2015 12:52 pm

Sadly, I hardly know any of the songs that you have written lyrics for so I had to look at the two I do know, Mr. Taxi and aLIEz. I will not be too critical of aLIEz since you yourself say you ‘basically butchered’ them.

The first thing I would like to comment on is how you post is organized….it is not really organized.XD
For someone like me who does not know the songs you have done, I have no idea what they are from or who sings them. I would recommend putting the name of the singer or maybe the anime/game the song is from in the title of your spoiler.
For Mr. Taxi, there is a Japanese and a Korean version, so maybe you could put JAPANESE VERSION in the title of the spoiler so people can easily know which one your lyrics are for.

Another thing is your introduction paragraph. It has a lot of abbreviations in it which may be a ‘red flag’ to readers. Having a lot of abbreviations and slang in the opening may make readers think that your lyrics are full of slang as well. You do not have to change it; I just thought you should know.

As for the lyrics, I’ll start with Mr. Taxi

The first thing that stands out is the grammar. I noticed that you are in the Philippines so English might not be your first language. Either way, there are some lines that do not make sense.

” Across the world, we'll go out in a drive tonight
I will show of this very dazzling new style”
-People do not ‘go out in a drive’. They can ‘go out for a drive’ though.
-‘of’ should be ‘off’. That could easily just be a typo.

“There's so much flying that I fear it's getting noxious”
-That line confuses me. Do you mean ‘The car is flying (driving) so fast that the air is becoming noxious’? I think that saying something that means ‘The car is flying so fast that I think I’m getting nauseous’ makes more sense.

“Can't be touched like a racing car”
-Why? Why can you not tough a racing car, because it is moving fast? The line before says that you are ‘shining bright like a star’ which has nothing to do with speed. It is not wrong, it just sounds awkward to me.

Several lines have syllables that are not right.
“Across the world, we'll go out in a drive tonight”
Kima     ma ni        se   ka i wo   drive tonight
-The ‘a’ is left out

Not everyone cares about the syllables. You do not have to keep them the same.

As for the lyrics themselves, I looked over several translations as your lyrics seem to be a little off in some parts. Trans-lyrics are people’s interpretations so I cannot say that they are wrong. I just suggest trying to stay true to the original wording a little bit more.
Now for aLIEz~

I am just going to focus on the words themselves and give some suggestions. The lyrics do stay pretty true to the original meaning, bi there are some problems.

Here is a segment from your lyrics that I will comment on:
“Even if I take the stand
And make noise that was so planned
My Cheap Pride
looks like it's tied with conceited vanity

Within the sad mirror
is a bitter thing that is deeply hidden inside my wardrobe”

1.       You do not ‘take the stand’, you ‘take a stand’
2.       ‘And make noise that was so planned’. It sounds like you were so focused on rhyming that the sentence just sounds awkward. Nobody says ‘so planned’. Perhaps change it to something like, ‘And cry out like we all planned’, or something like that.
3.       The ‘looks like it's tied with conceited vanity’ line has the wrong syllables.
4.       ‘Within the sad mirror’. This implies that there is only one sad mirror. However, this can easily be confused with sounding like there is only one mirror in existence. Maybe you could change ‘the’ to ‘this’
5.       The last line works, but it just sounds awkward to me. I do not really have a reason why though.

Overall, I think that your lyrics are pretty good. There are some grammatical errors here and there, but that will be fixed with practice. Your lyrics remind me of the lyrics I wrote when I first started, although almost opposite. I did not rhyme at first and my sentences stayed so close to the original meaning that they sounded terrible. Your lyrics always rhyme and they tend t0 stray away from the meaning.XD
I am not sure how long you have been writing lyrics. I know for me, it took me a couple of years to develop a style of writing. Eventually, everything will just pop into your head one day and you will immediately know how to things you never thought you could. I see the spark; you just need to keep practicing, as you seem to be. I look forward to seeing more work from you.

by xXxLoneShadowxXx Thu Apr 09, 2015 2:05 am

Hi sonic-nancy~ I was smiling as I read your thoughtful feedback :D

First lemme just thank you. Because I never thought somebody would even give me feedback~

Second, I wasn't really serious in the aLIEz thing haha
I was just bored so I was like, "screw everything. I'm gonna write the most random thing in the world" Mind you, that was made in like 15 minutes xD I was fooling around laughing at myself. Memories of writing that was good Smile

For Mr. Taxi
Yes, English isn't my first language. My English isn't that nice because my old school doesn't really value speaking English, but I recently transferred to an English Speaking School so I believe my grammar would improve v^_^v

at the "Can't be touched like a racing car" part, I was thinking that she was describing how high and mighty she is. That she can't be touched. Since the star is so far high and a racing car is so fast. But the mistakes on me :D I don't know where the bright thing came from haha~

I don't always write translyrics. Sometimes, when I'm bored, yeah haha
My most recent one is Depression of the young literati which was made like a week ago and the lyrics before that was made many months ago. So I don't really think I get that much practice. Just writing when I feel like it. I'll definitely practice more. I appreciate it :D

For now, I'll just organize this lol. I'm not the most organized person.
I'm equally as messy in real life xD

Thanks again for your thoughtful feedback! I really really appreciate it ^^

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Shadow's Lyrics (Such originality)

Shadow's Lyrics (Such originality)

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Re: Shadow's Lyrics (Such originality)

Re: Shadow's Lyrics (Such originality)