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English Assessment help, anyone?
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Page 1 of 1
English Assessment help, anyone?
Okay so, for the last few days I've been working on a creative writing task.
I've re-read it about 6-7 times. And I'm still not satisfied.
Here's the task.
Task: Imagine you have been stranded on an exotic island. You are limited in terms of supply, however, you do have you diary. Write a blog/diary entry about your experiences on this exotic.
Success Criteria (notes, scribbled. Sorry if they don't make much sense!):
Characters (dialogue + monologue)
Spelling
Grammar
Punctuation
Figurative Language
Realistic
Focused
Literary Devices: similies, metaphors, personification, alliteration, etc.
1st person
I'm in Year 9 / Grade 8 (I think). I'm 13. Please don't think I can write essays of amazing-ness filled stuff like pro authors or something, as much as I wish I could. Q AQ)/
Based on the information I've given~, can you please give some constructive criticism on my writing assessment?
(placed in the spoiler below. Beware, it's a really large chunk of text!)
(oh and I stole some lines from The Little Prince, and one from Heart Rate #0822. Just had to point that out.)
(OH AND THE NAMES HAVE NO SIGNIFICANCE. THEY DON'T RESEMBLE ANYONE. They just randomly popped up in my head when writing this.)
You are free to make any edits if necessary. Thank you!
I've re-read it about 6-7 times. And I'm still not satisfied.
Here's the task.
Task: Imagine you have been stranded on an exotic island. You are limited in terms of supply, however, you do have you diary. Write a blog/diary entry about your experiences on this exotic.
Success Criteria (notes, scribbled. Sorry if they don't make much sense!):
Characters (dialogue + monologue)
Spelling
Grammar
Punctuation
Figurative Language
Realistic
Focused
Literary Devices: similies, metaphors, personification, alliteration, etc.
1st person
I'm in Year 9 / Grade 8 (I think). I'm 13. Please don't think I can write essays of amazing-ness filled stuff like pro authors or something, as much as I wish I could. Q AQ)/
Based on the information I've given~, can you please give some constructive criticism on my writing assessment?
(placed in the spoiler below. Beware, it's a really large chunk of text!)
(oh and I stole some lines from The Little Prince, and one from Heart Rate #0822. Just had to point that out.)
(OH AND THE NAMES HAVE NO SIGNIFICANCE. THEY DON'T RESEMBLE ANYONE. They just randomly popped up in my head when writing this.)
- Spoiler:
- Dear Diary,
Rin’s doing it again today, even though she said she’s stop going to that place. I thought kids were supposed to listen to and respect their elders. She keeps calling me idiotic names, in her annoying high-pitched voice – things like “smelly grumpy bum”, “poopy brain”.
I wish I never had a little sister. She’s not worthy of my presence. Not that she ever was. Sometimes I wish I could kill her.
Kill her with my own two bloody hands.
What’s so special about that place anyway? She even dragged Haru along with her for God’s sake. Haru never says no to people. She needs to learn how to refuse sometimes. I feel sorry for her. I guess it’s a good thing that she can keep kids under control though. If she wasn’t here, I would’ve literally died by now from Rin’s blabbering.
Rin keeps screaming at me about stupid stickmen, which were apparently scribbled across the walls of a cave. What’s so interesting about that? I really don’t understand her stupid obsessions. Does she want to marry the wall or something? God. I bet Haru just went to protect her or something. Why is she so paranoid of everything? I don’t understand her. Then again, I don’t blame her. She was probably blackmailed by Rin or something. Yes, even 6 year olds can blackmail Haru.
It was a sunny day yesterday, unlike today. Earlier this morning, the sea looked duller and greyer than crystal blue, as if it were polluted. The sky matched the smoky grey waters and the dim light of the sun peered through the gaps in the clouds. The breeze was cold against my face making me shiver throughout my entire body. The sand was colder than usual and the waves crashing against the rock became more violent by the minute.
It’s only been three days here, on this island. I doubt I’ll survive much longer, mainly because of Rin. That annoying little… thing. I feel as if my insides are decaying slowly, day by day, bit by bit. I feel like a bird that’s been shot in the head with a rifle. I want to go home.
Haru is the only person keeping us alive now. She brings us food and water from God knows where. She looks as if she’s unaffected by the isolation of this island. Her face always looks so blank and emotionless – as if she’s used to the despair that we’ve been enduring for days. Then there’s Rin. She increases our burden by at least a few tons.
The moon is the only source of light we have now. The weather is icy and cruel, grazing sharp knifes deep into my skin and penetrating the effect of my tattered clothes. Breaking waves lap against the rocks as I sit on the brittle sand. The sky fills with myriad of glowing stars. Like the rushing waves hitting the seashore, the dull clouds took over the once radiant shade of cobalt blue, sealing everything in its gloomy atmosphere, as the moon pierced through the murky canopy. The clouds fused together, creating a dome over the Earth, shutting us in its pitch-black atmosphere. The sky’s monochromatic colours infected every glimmer of hope into something miserable. Not even a bird in sight meant that its loneliness would spread far beyond this island.
If only…
If only I could get back home.
That is my only wish.
-Sora
Dear Diary,
The descent following the stream led into the open mouth of the cave. How did Rin even find this place? The darkness seemed to lure us inside. The tenebrous atmosphere started to envelope us into it’s vast fortress of obscurity.
We stepped inside.
My breathing slowed as I tried to take in more of the stale, humid air, whilst gripping the sweaty hand of a slightly agitated soul, dawdling alongside me. I used the rough cave wall to guide us through the depths of our crepuscule surroundings. I heard a soft dripping noise as dew slid off the rocks. Drip, drip, drip, in rhythm with my heartbeat, which stuttered “I live”, seventy times a minute. Spires of rock hung from the ceiling and stood stiff upon the floor. The chilly draft sent shivers down my spine. As we paced along, a relentless sound of torrential liquid became audible. My mind was oblivious to everything but the sound of the rushing water, crashing down slippery rocks into a cool refreshing spring. Bubbling and roaring, uninterrupted, the splashing waters created a steady pattern of endless rhythm. The waterfall collided against the rocks like the heartbeat against my chest. Behind this breath-taking sight was a chamber.
A chamber of secrets. A room of mysteries. A sign of life.
Bizarre writing – possibly hieroglyphics, were scribbled shambolically across the walls. There were pictures too – of what looked like cheerful people.
As we travelled along through the chambers, the images started to evolve into something incomprehensible; something obscure. The exuberance was slowly being sapped and steadily saturated with darkness, with not even a speck of hope. Until, the drawings faded completely. Vanished.
A reassuring zephyr stroked our cheeks, weakly.
“The wind is blowing.”
I quietly agreed.
A musky smell occupied the chamber, and the only sound emanated from the tapping of the light sooty rain. The rugged and weary walls stood surrounding us. They seemed so strong yet so beaten and ancient. Cold air filled every corner and warmth seemed to of have never tried to crawl its way in there. Darkness swallowed everything whole and seemed to make worries come into my mind of something unnoticed.
Rin tugged at my sleeve.
“Look, over there! Stairs.”
Rin was right. Ahead of us, I spotted a descent.
We walked toward it.
It was a strain to even make out one of the steps. Where did crumbling spiral stairwell lead to? The sooty and dripping rain echoed.
I didn’t want to go. But I didn’t have a choice.
Something was pulling me in. A voice echoed in my head.
Go.
Go.
I glanced over to Rin, who was grinning at me, eagerly.
“Are you scared?”
I smiled. “I’m terrified.”
A faint wheezing noise was perceptible as she giggled.
I crouched down, and grasped her miniature hands.
“Get on my back,” I whispered. “I’ll give you a ride.”
Rin climbed on steadily, clinging to me like a magnet. Her breathing was heavy. Her face was sweaty, and her body was trembling.
She was clearly scared out of her wits, the poor thing.
I breathed in, and started the decent.
“Haru! Haru! Something’s following us! Haru!”
The figure was as dark as a dead man’s memories; a murderer’s soul; the midnight’s shadow. Without any time to search for a reason, I ran, despite the heavy burden on my back. I didn’t stop my feet as I sped down the stairs, through the dark cave from which chunks of rocks were threatening to collapse down heavily. The shadow stared menacingly at its surroundings as it sped down the stairs, as if daring for an obstruction to block its way. However, even the devil seemed intimidated by its vicious form and the shadow saw no hurdle in its way as it zoomed ahead, hunchbacked, through the eerie silence of the cave. Heavy breathing and frustrated snarls bounced off the walls, from left to right, forwards and backwards. Sweat rolled down my face as the thing came closer. I tried to scream but nothing seemed to be coming out.
“Haru! Haru!”
When were the stairs going to end?
Faint splattering sounds came from outside, hissing as lightning struck the sky.
“Haru! The end of the stairs! Look, Haru!”
My breathing became heavier. I didn’t have enough time to think. I didn’t have time to analyse the situation. There was only one word reverberating in my brain then.
Run… run.
“It’s gone Haru! Haru! Listen!”
I reached the end of the descent.
The shadow wasn’t chasing us anymore and it seemed to have vanished quite wistfully. The smell of rust and even the sooty blackness of the rain faded. It felt like we heard, we noticed, and we forgot about a voice from somewhere.
At the end of the spiral stairwell, a really small door waited for us, covered in dust.
I placed Rin onto the ground.
My breaths became heavier as sweat drips down my forehead. Tears welled up in the corners of my eyes, the pain growing more evident with each passing second.
“Har-“
I spun round, only to stumble on the jagged rocks beneath me. As I hit the ground, I feel the moist dirt hit my face and sharp rocks pierce my skin. My strength drained away like the ebbing tide at the seashore, sucking me with it.
“Haru! Haru! Are you okay Haru?”
* * *
Somehow, I’d convinced Rin to get back to Sora. Rin was reluctant at first; she wanted to check out what was behind the door. I promised her that we’d explore the cave again sometime, although secretly, I didn’t want to even think about that place. I didn’t even know how I found myself exploring that cave in the first place. I was missing home; I didn’t pay attention to Rin’s nattering.
Dark grey clouds covered the sky, only letting a few rays of feeble sun slip past the barrier. The monotonous sound of raindrops beating on the soil blended in with the occasional whoosh of the breeze through the treetops. Everything was bleak, grey, and dreary - even the atmosphere.
I held myself, limply through the forest with Rin, as I felt an aching sensation run through my body and to my head; it was excruciating. It was pain like I had never experienced before. My eyes felt as if they had been poked with a fork and placed back into the socket, leaving my vision blurry and useless, and my life scarred. It was a strain to even make out the outline of shaped around us. As in some cartoon, the silhouettes of branches reached towards our souls with emaciated arms and fingers like beings at once terrified and furious, attempting to snatch them away. As the light vanished, like blind people, we became hyper sensitive to sounds, which were far different than the cheery chirping of the now receded meadow. Less hopeful bird songs mourned; the tentative creak of a lost cricket's lament was clear, and far off - but perhaps not all that far off - a hollow intermittent drumming sound almost like a coded warning.
I wanted to be a child, like Rin, and be free from all worries or tensions. Children waste their childhood getting taught about various things about life, which don’t matter in the end. Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them. But in the end, it’s inevitable. We obey the adults. Like a pet and its owner. We grow up, losing our once blooming imagination, and we learn how to be constantly stressed. Our imagination wilts and rots into something distorted and useless. If you were to say to the grown-ups: “I saw a beautiful house made of rosy brick, with geraniums in the windows and doves on the roof,” they would not be able to get an idea of that house at all. You have to say to them: “I saw a house that cost £50,000.” Then they would exclaim: “Oh, what a pretty house that is!”
I felt sorry for Rin, trying to enjoy her moments while she could, and whether she knew it or not, these moments will become memories, and we’ll care more about work and putting things right instead of simple factor that make a life shine.
When we got back to the coast, Sora was fuming with fury.
She was acting like a grown-up.
Well, I would be too, I guess.
She was worrying.
Sora has a short-temper. Mum says she’s like the desert. What makes a desert beautiful is that somewhere it hides a well. It’s only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye.
The night deceives our vision. It makes colours seems what they are not. Day will always become night. The reflection of the moon was seen on the surface of the sea, as clear as crystal, as pure as a blanket of snow. Dark-grey clouds loomed over the moon ominously and the ocean was perished, bringing despair and darkness once again. A shooting star cut through the sky like a knife. The stars glistened brighter than diamonds, as if they were holes in the floor of heaven; the only thing separating us is the blanket of anguish that will only melt away when we fall asleep for the last time.
–Haru
You are free to make any edits if necessary. Thank you!
Re: English Assessment help, anyone?
-randomly lurking the forum-
Awww Hikari~ You're a good writer! >w< Did you turn it in yet?What score did'ya get???? It's okay if you don't wanna tell me~
Awww Hikari~ You're a good writer! >w< Did you turn it in yet?
LiteS0ul- Conversationalist
- Singing Alias : _ Posts : 277
Join date : 2011-08-06
Location : California
Re: English Assessment help, anyone?
UN~ I TURNED IT IN. I'M SORRY THIS IS SO LATE. LMAO.
I got a level 7H~ (7 high) Which is really good, I guess, for a person in our year group. ; u;)/
I got a level 7H~ (7 high) Which is really good, I guess, for a person in our year group. ; u;)/
Re: English Assessment help, anyone?
This is really good writing for 13!!! Scratch that - this is pretty darn amazing writing for 13. Shuu is proud of you. <333
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